I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the concept of forgiveness. I know that carrying around not so pleasant feelings towards someone can be very draining and stressful but I find it hard to always forgive. I feel like- at some point- you reach a point where forgiveness is impossible….there’s just too much damage done. No amount of “I’m sorry” (not that I’ve gotten an apology….) or saying they’re going to change and be better can do anything to change the fact that I can’t bring myself to forgive. I surely can’t bring myself to forget. I do what I can to eliminate that person from my life and hope that I don’t have to see or hear anything from or about them….for the most part- that method is working. The thing that really gets me is that I’m being made out to be the bad person….because I can’t forgive? Partially. Partially because people choose to have different personalities with different people to harbor themselves from looking bad.
There are two personality traits that absolutely repulse me about a person: 1- not being able to ‘man up’ and say I’m sorry; 2- not being able to own to your mistakes and admit sometimes you aren’t an angel.
I need to forgive, though. For the sake of my relationship that I hold so very dearly in my heart….I need to forgive. How do you learn to cope with so much pain that gets evoked by a name or an image that you can’t get away from? How do block that out?
I don’t know. But I know that I’m stressed and tired. I know that I have a million other things I would rather have on my mind. I know I don’t want to hurt any more. I know that I’m creeping closer and closer to a dark a hole.
I have to figure out a way to be the better and bigger person. I have to figure out a way to forgive.