Monday Morning – Monday Blues

I wanted to start out this post with a song because it’s something that I have fallen in love with over the past couple of days. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it much in my blog, but I’m a lover of music. And I mean ‘lover of music’ in that nerdy way…I like to buy the instrumental soundtracks to movies, I like to know the chords, I like to know the stories behind the songs…

The Foo Fighters are one of my all time favorite bands and they have a show airing on HBO right now called “Sonic Highways”. Essentially the band travels to “music capitals” around the U.S.- Chicago, L.A., New Orleans, Nashville, Seattle- and they dive in to the history of that place. What made it so influential in music? What are the stories hidden in the songs? Artists, songwriters, producers, club owners- they’re all interview by Dave Grohl while the band is also recording a song. At the end of the week, Grohl goes back through his transcripts and uses words/phrases from the interviews to write lyrics to the song they’re recording. So you end up with a song influenced by the city they’re in. Seriously- it’s a music lover’s wet dream. The above song is from the Nashville episode that aired last Friday night ❤ Since I’m a Nashville girl, it’s obviously my favorite.

Moving on….
The past week has been a little up and down for me, I don’t know if any of your noticed by the ‘Cold’ post that I wrote. And this morning has been particularly hard for me. I woke up with a swarm of emotions swirling around inside me and stress/annoyances from work didn’t help any. I mean- when you ugly cry at work while you’re watching Sportscenter because they’re talking about a girl with cancer, you know your emotions/hormones are in overdrive.

My boyfriend is back in Mississippi temporarily and the adjustment has been difficult. I told a friend that the emotional feel of it is almost like a break up- no we haven’t broken up- but we went from being together every day for almost two months, to having communicate through a phone again. He went from being tangible to being a green bubble on my iPhone. THE GOOD NEWS is that he found a job in Tennessee, so the time in MS is short. It’s mostly to get his things packed up and organized and spend some time with his friends and family. In a few weeks he will be here and we’ll be back together. That does make the distance a little easier, knowing he’ll be here, but it’s still hard. I miss his touch and his presence and sometimes I can’t help but to feel overwhelmingly sad and alone when I think about it. I’m excited, though. We’re both excited. We’ve overcome so many challenges in our relationship over the past year and I know that this new chapter in our story is going to show us growing and getting stronger.

On the same topic of my relationship, my dad still isn’t speaking to me. I knew that me being in an interracial relationship would probably be something that my parents would need to adjust to, but I didn’t expect the complete disowning that I’ve received from my dad. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl…he was my hero and now he wants nothing to do with me. My brother said he asked about me the other day, but we haven’t spoken to each other in months. I find myself thinking “I don’t remember what his voice sounds like”. The only communication we’ve had is an email he sent me this AM to remind me I have a student loan payment coming up on a loan he co signed for. I’m graduating in December and I extended an invitation to him and my step-family, but I’ve gotten no response. People keep telling me to “give it time”- so I am. I have a mixture of feeling about it, though. Part of me is angry- really angry- that my father, the man who raised me, can’t be happy in my happiness because of his own ignorant ‘beliefs’. Part of me is sad. Part of me is indifferent. It is my life and I have to think of my happiness- regardless of what my family thinks. At the end of the day, he has made this choice, and I know that I’ve been trying to reach out to him. I don’t think there’s anything else that I can am willing to do.

I interviewed for a job last week that I am waiting to hear news about. Anxiously waiting. It is a perfect job for me and it’s a great advancement in my career. I’m cautiously excited and also very nervous. I don’t want to be disappointed when/if I don’t get it, but I know that I will be. I really just want my phone to ring….

So that’s that. I started writing this post as a free write because I was feeling the need to just write and get something out and I think it turned out as precisely that. Random thoughts and insights. But I like it. Sitting down and writing is so raw and honest. My emotions and my rough morning have already started to lighten up just by sitting here and typing. ❤

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