I know there is some cliché saying that floats around that is something like “music speaks when words can not” or some general fashion of that sentiment. I have to agree with it. I think that sometimes it’s hard to find the words to express your thoughts or feelings/emotions at a given time, so it’s natural to turn to something that already exists. It could be a song lyric or it could be a poem or it could be a kitschy quote and cat picture that is under a ‘memes’ section on pinterest. It’s just a ‘something’ that says what you need to say. The picture I used as the featured image on this post is one such ‘something’. It is a piece by Tyler Knott Gregson from his typewriter series. I stumbled upon TKG a year-ish ago on pinterest one night when I was taking a bubble bath and immediately fell in love. I recently purchased his book of poems from his ‘typewriter series’ and it’s amazing. His way with words— it just blows my mind sometimes. I will read them and think “yes! That’s it! That’s how I feel!” And then there is a small part of me that is jealous because my words don’t always flow like his do and I wish they did…
Anyways- I know the above image is kind of hard to read, because it’s small, so here it is:
The thing about us that will make us unlike anyone else,
is that we are built on a foundation of sadness,
and a foundation of struggle, on endurance.
Our love grew through the hardest of times.
We are the new growth after the fire has cleared the forest,
pushing through the ashes of the life that lives before us
and starting new. We are the uncurling fern,
wrapped tight upon ourselves, slowly showing the world and
the light above that is filtering through the clouds,
our arms outstretched.
We are built on the singed remains
of silent secrets that we finally set fire to.
We are the virgin stems and unspoiled leaves,
we are the green beating hearts inside new growth.
The sound of our heart’s beat echoes across the charred
and empty wasteland of all that’s been burned down.
The thing about us, is that we will never stop growing.
As we burst slowly into the blue skies
like explosions in slow motion, our fingers like vines
will wrap around each other and twisted we will reach
for the light above.
In this twist and in this shared spiral upwards,
we grow strong.
We will be the contrast, the green against the black on gray,
the new against the shining and crumbling pieces of the old.
The burning of our wait and the
metamorphosis that shows all others
the colors we’ve been hiding;
the life that only the flames
and only the ashes
See? What did I tell you? A master of words. I came across this piece this morning and it spoke to me. Deeply spoke to me. I know that ‘us’ that rose from the ashes and turned into something beautiful. I’m one half of that ‘us’. It was hard and it still is sometimes, but it’s been more than worth it. I don’t have the words for it- so I steal them from someone else.
I’ve been finding myself getting irritated or frustrated lately and I don’t like it. It’s been from different things. Life. Life can be really frustrating and a pain in the ass sometimes. You start to develop plans and then a piece of that plan falls out of the middle and the whole tower collapses and you have to start over from the beginning. It will break you and frustrate you. I just have to remember to ‘let it go’ and start building again. Family. I’m in a “I’m damned if I don’t and damned if I do situation” with my mom- meaning no matter what I do, which way I go, it’s not enough. There is always, always something there to criticize me about. Just once I want to hear “I’m proud” or “you did a good job”. People. People I work with, people who are part of my little world of Jenna. Ghosts of the past and annoying
twats pieces of the present that just won’t go away. The reminders of the fire that created the ashes I had to grow from and all of the hurt and struggle I’ve been facing. The knowledge that there are people in the world that knowingly and intentionally disregard a person’s feelings (and relationships) because they’re selfish and they purposefully cause hurt and pain and they don’t have a single feeling of remorse or guilt for it. They use a throw away excuse to make themselves feel better. Work. Looking for a new (better) job is exhausting. Mourning the friend I lost in a car wreck two weeks ago. I had a wrist surgery in February and my wrist has started to hurt again- a lot. It’s been going on for about a week and it’s really starting to get to me. Finances. School. General worry. General tiredness. I’m tired. I want a vacation. It’s a snowball.
Now I feel like I’m just whining so I’m going to stop and get to the rest of the point of my post…
Things can be frustrating. A collection of small things build up and sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I woke up this morning to get ready for work, though, and had somewhat of a heavy feeling on me. “I want to stay in bed, I don’t want to ‘do’ today at all” and then I felt him laying next to me and the little bits of frustration that lingered in me while I was sleeping and that I woke up with started to fade away. I snuggled up closer to him. He snuggled up to me and he kissed my head and he told me he loved me. He loved ‘this’- our being together. He said he would miss me while I was at work. He told me I was it and he knew I was it and he wanted me forever, until the day he died, and then some. And I hugged him and I told him “Always” like I always do and I kissed him goodbye and left for work- and I felt better. Even through my frustration and my daily struggles- I have him. He takes care of me. He supports me. He loves me. And I know that I don’t have to struggle alone. He’s struggled, he’s struggling right now- just like I am- but we’ve fought through struggle before and we came out new and better on the other side. If you think that love can’t change your mood or your feelings for that day, you’re wrong. My love helps in keeping me going.
Tyler Knott Gregson’s collection of ‘Typewriter Series’ poems – Chasers of the Light – can be found on his website: http://tylerknott.com/ and on amazon.com.