Carry Their Heart- Keep It Safe- Let It Grow

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My favorite poem (and also a tattoo that I have)


I haven’t written recently about my relationship. Part of the reason is because I have been really busy with life things and I haven’t found a lot of time to write in general (which makes me sad…). Part of the reason was a direct intent to keep that information out of the public sphere (which is a polite way of saying “keeping people out of my business”). My blog was accessible from my twitter account and in my twitter world/family there are some overly nosy people (psycho ex girlfriends being one of those ‘people’). However, I’ve taken a step back from social media (at least Twitter) and I know that although some people will probably still seek out my blog to read my musings, it’s not as easily accessible. That thought puts my mind at ease.

I’ve been sitting at my desk this morning at work and even though I’ve been busy with new patients and insurances and end of the month reports, my mind keeps wandering to him (mainly because I’m still in morning sex afterglow…). I keep thinking about him and us, and so I feel the desire to write about him and us. It’s in my head so why not let it flow through my fingertips and become tangible?

For the past two and half weeks my long distance boyfriend has been in my city, working and staying with me, and it feels like things are right in the world (finally!). There honestly is no greater feeling than having him HERE. I can touch him, I can kiss him, I can snuggle with him, we can come home from work to each other, I can make him dinner, we can go on dates, we can have drinks, we can get high, we can have (amazing) sex all night and all day if we want…everything is here, in this place, in this moment. It’s amazing. It takes a sense of heaviness out of the air. There’s no more missing each other, or all night phone conversations, or being lonely and sad. Everything is better when we’re in the same place. I never want him to leave….

He’s making big changes in his life. Very, very big changes. They aren’t all “for me”- but I (our relationship) is playing a role in these decisions and changes he’s making. He’s leaving his house, his family, his current job, the place he calls home and relocating to Tennessee. He’s here and he’s working an exhausting, hard labor job- he comes home exhausted- and he’s doing it so that he can be here. No, he wasn’t/isn’t happy in Mississippi, so these changes come from him seeking a change of scenery- something new- but he’s also doing this for us….and I don’t think I will ever stop trying to find ways to show him how much it means to me. Is that something I ‘have’ to do? No. I don’t feel that it is. I’m the kind of person that will do it anyways. I know what he’s giving up and what he’s sacrificing and it means the world to me.

Everything that glitters isn’t gold, though. We had a disagreement on Saturday and it led to a very intense, emotional, important, long and much needed conversation. It was a conversation that could have gone a number of ways. I expressed my feelings and fears and emotions and my understanding of what he was giving up but also the things that I needed from him. He, in turn, did the same with me. Are we perfect? No. Do we have things to work on? Absolutely. Do I think that we’re going to be okay? Yes. We both have a tendency to let the unfamiliarity and newness of all of this overwhelm us and send us running in to insecurities with our tails tucked between our legs. We have a tendency to let outside forces/people and events affect how we act toward each other. We had to reverse date. We had to get to know each other on a mental level before we got to get to know each other on a physical level. There are things about being in the same place together that we’re still getting used to. They are things that can’t be solved over night, but they are things that can be improved upon over time. He hurt me very very deeply and he knows that and he understands that- and I forgave him for it. Later that night we were at a hockey game (his first live hockey game! Whoo!) and I got a phone call that a guy I had worked with was killed in a car wreck a few hours earlier. He was ejected from his car, life flighted, put on life support and pronounced brain dead. His family got to say their goodbyes and he passed on. It affected me deeply- break down and sob my eyes out in the bathroom of a hockey arena deeply- and in a sense it put my jumbled relationship thoughts in to perspective. I knew that I want to be with my boyfriend. That he is my future and my heart. That I wanted us to move forward and continue to make all of these plans we’ve talked about during late night, long distance phone calls a reality. I love him. Unconditionally.

We met each other a little over a year ago- on twitter- and if you had told me then that everything that is happening now would be happening I don’t think I would have believed you. When we met I wasn’t looking for a relationship and neither was he. When we met I was broken and bruised- I didn’t believe in love, I didn’t believe I was desirable, I thought I was unlovable. That changed. Over the months we’ve been together we’ve talked about things we wanted to do together, our future home, our future children….and now the puzzle pieces are falling together and we’re seeing those things become a reality. It’s scary, but it’s a good kind of scary. It’s exciting. It’s what I want. It’s my future.

We will still have a long way to go. We’re going to hit rough patches. There are going to be finance troubles, there are going to be disagreements…there may never be a time when my dad approves of our relationship and accepts him (and accepts me back in to our family). But I’m not willing to let it go. I’m not willing to let him fly or to fly away myself. Despite any missteps/mistakes or disagreements or whatever gets thrown at us- I know that what we have with each other is special and good, and the goodness of “us” outweighs any temporary thing.

I’m going to wrap up this blog (it’s almost lunch break time!) with a few pictures of us from the past couple of weeks. If anyone that is in a long distance relationship (or even just a relationship) is reading this- let me tell you this: if your heart and your head are telling you that you love that person and you want to be with them- then be with them. Keep fighting. Carry their heart with you, keep it safe, let your love grow.

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Preds v Panthers Preseason Game

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South Carolina v Vanderbilt at Vanderbilt Stadium

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Post- anniversary dinner selfie ❤

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