Breaking Points and Crossing Lines

There is a part of me that needs to write and get some of my thoughts and emotions out. They’re pent-up inside of me and I know that at any minute they’re going to boil over and cause a mess. But, I know that some people have access to my blog and can read the thoughts and emotions I have- and they are some people who don’t need to be reading it. That would boil over and cause a big mess, too. I guess I’m damned if I don’t and damned if I do. So- for now- I am writing this and publishing it as private so that I can get it all out but I can still keep it to myself. Maybe one day the smoke will clear and I’ll be able to share my thoughts and emotions….but for now they need to stay hidden.

For the life of me, I can’t understand people who don’t respect other people’s happiness and personal lives. I don’t understand people who can intentionally try to ruin other people’s happiness. Are you a miserable person yourself? Do you have no conscience? Do you have no self-respect? Do you just not give a fuck?

This particularly applies to females. I will fight tooth and nail for women to be seen as strong and smart and worthy- but I will be the first person to tell a woman girl that she’s being disrespectful to herself and others and acting as a bad representation of our gender. I’ve been through several relationship that have ended badly- one from cheating, one from a complete lack of chemistry- I will never understand the females that cause those situations. Are you able to sleep at night when you know that you’re a homewrecker?

Fuck this- I’m just going to get down to it and stop talking in circles because nobody will actually read this anyways. I view life as having lines- you’re always having to figure out where those lines are and what it would take to cross them- and if it’s okay to cross them. When you’re a female that has a friendship with my boyfriend- there is a line and if you cross it, I will have major problems with you. This girl- this so-called mature adult- is being an immature, sad little puppy of a girl and chasing after my boyfriend when she knows he’s in a serious, committed relationship. She knows- but she chooses to ignore that fact. I’m “his something”, or “your roommate”, or I’m just not mentioned. She flirts, she calls him sexy, she sends him heart emojis and pictures of “oh look as this cute new shirt I got”, and tells him she would like to come visit but “i don’t think your roommate (GIRLFRIEND!) would like that very much” and makes it seem like he’s only physically unavailable to her because he’s dating someone but she can have his emotions. She texts him non-stop. NON. STOP. I fall asleep hearing her texts to him, I wake up hearing her texts to him- “Hi. Good morning.”- I hear her texts while we’re cuddling, eating, having sex, out at football games….it goes on and on and on. She’s always there. Always lurking in the shadows of text land. If he ignores her text, she sends another…and another….she’s like a text leach.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. It’s not. IT. IS. NOT. OKAY. And I know him- I know how he thinks….he’s thinking he’s not encouraging her and she has no chance of ever having something with him, so it’s not a big deal….but it is. It is for me. At least it’s finally getting to that point. It is so unbelievably disrespectful of her to ignore my existence and to constantly pursue him. She knows he’s visiting here, she knows we’re together….so shut the fuck up and let him have his time. You’re an annoying little twat. Hearing the text tone when she texts makes my skin crawl. GIVE ME MY TIME. And stop pursuing him. Visiting him is not okay. Telling him he’s sexy is not okay. Making sexual innuendos is not okay. You would think someone that’s been through a divorce would have a little more sensitivity to something like that. But no….she doesn’t.

Is she a nice and funny and sweet girl? Probably. But at this point I don’t care. I don’t want to put up with her invisible presence all the time anymore. Because the worst part about it…is that it makes me feel like I’m not enough. I know that he’s here with me and he’s working a really hard/exhausting/laboring job and we’re looking for an apartment/house and this is the future he wants. He loves me. He wants to be with me. He wants to start a family with me. He wants this forever…….so then why does the constant communication with her have to happen? Why can’t she just leave him/us alone? Why can’t she go on match, or eHarmony, or plenty of fish and just….find someone else. What is it about her the is so commanding of attention that I don’t have? What am I lacking?

I barely know this girl apart from what I’ve seen of their conversations and from a few other people who know her- but I can’t stand her. I would venture to say that I hate her. She represents so many things that break me down, take my breath away and strip me to an emotional line that I don’t want to have to cross. Yes, I do hate her.

I hope she’s happy with herself, though.

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